The Power of Self-Talk

We heard it as kids on the playground and remember the rhyme to this day. Sticks and stones can break your bones, but careless and hurtful words can wound your spirit for a lifetime, (that's not exactly how it goes...but you get it). This is especially true when the words are coming from your own heart and mind.

In this blog, we will take a look at the words we speak to ourselves and the power they have over our happiness, or lack thereof.

Have you seen images of someone with an angel on one shoulder and a little devil on the other whispering into the person's ear. This is a comical, yet surprisingly accurate, depiction of something called, Self-Talk.

Self-Talk is the internal dialogue that goes on inside your head, and it can have a significant impact on the way you feel, think and behave. It's that little voice that speaks up when you least expect it, or need it. This silent conversation directly affects your self esteem and can do more harm, (or good,) than any outside person or situation.

Think of your mind as a garden, and your thoughts as tiny little seeds. When you plant positive seeds (thoughts), you can cultivate a life filled with happiness, joy, and success. On the other hand, negative seeds lead to a life of stress, anxiety, and negativity. This is not about what others think of you, but what you think of yourself, good or bad, and is a key to either living well or living with anxiety and strife.

1. Understanding Self-Talk

We've all been there - you're in the middle of a job interview, or on a first date, or maybe just trying to make it through the day without falling apart, and suddenly your brain chimes in with some less than helpful commentary: "Just go home. You're never going to get this job," it says. "You're going to die alone surrounded by cats," or maybe just a simple, "Why try? You're just a failure."

Ah, negative self-talk - the greatest gift we never asked for. It's like having your own personal heckler, except instead of being at a comedy show, it's in your own head and it's always with you. Wouldn't it be great if we could turn that heckler into a cheerleader? Or at least a slightly less negative heckler? Maybe one who's more like Statler and Waldorf from The Muppet Show, more funny than hurtful.

Typically, we engage in self-talk without even realizing it throughout our daily lives. Yes, it is true. You talk to (and sometimes answer), yourself. It could be going on when you are walking to the mailbox, working in the yard, making dinner, or just trying to find a new TV show to binge. Our thoughts can be positive, negative, or neutral each of which impacts us differently.

Which one of these next examples sounds like what goes on inside your mind most often?

Positive Self-Talk

1. I am capable and I've got this.

2. I'm still learning and will get better with practice.

3. Look at what I have already done, I can do this.

4. I'm proud of myself for putting the work in.

5. It happened for others, why not me?

Negative Self-Talk

1. I never get anything right.

2. Here I go again. I knew I wasn't going to do it.

3. Yep, it figures. I always mess things up.

4. I'm so stupid. This was never going to work for me.

5. Why do I even try?

Neutral Self-Talk

1. Do I want pizza tonight?

2. Did I check the oil in the car?

3. Why am I asking myself questions all the time?

4. I think I need to get a cat so I have someone else to talk to.

5. Yeah, pizza sounds good.

Of the three examples, you probably find that most of your self talk is either negative or neutral, (if you are hungry). If you are like most people, you are not comfortable even considering the statements on the positive list as mental options you would apply to yourself.

You might find it easier to say those positive things to a child, loved one, or friend. But, why can't you use your words to build up your own heart and mind? Why is negative thinking so comfortable to you, while positive thinking is probably viewed as "not facing reality"? The answer begins with our culture.

2. A Culture of Criticism

Western thinking is performance driven. Striving, achieving, and winning are at the forefront of our societal virtues. There is a continual negative message repeating around you that says:

1. You are not good enough.

2. You are not rich enough.

3. You are not thin enough.

4. You are not talented enough.

5. YOU are NOT enough.

6. You need a cat.

The truth is, this negative messaging is often attached to a sales pitch for miracle products, diet plans, or investment programs that will "fix" the lack in your life. Let's face it, LACK SELLS, and if an entire society can believe it is missing out and failing, then that society can be exploited. This is a heavy conversation for another blog or three. Let's just say, you have been programmed to fail. That is why negative self-talk is probably your go to.

You have been programmed to fail

So, how do you begin to move your thoughts toward a more positive theme? How do you drop the emotional pendulum of negative self-talk and embrace the pom-poms of positivity? (Go team!) Thankfully, there are some practical steps you can take today to begin a new conversation with yourself.

3. Changing the Narrative

Now that you are aware of what negative self-talk is, you can start fighting your way back to a more positive self view, because knowing is half the battle, (thank you GI Joe!).

Step one is to recognize that your inner critic is a self hater and total drama queen, or drama king. Seriously, listen to some of the things it says:

1. "You're never going to succeed,"

2. "You're always going to fail,"

3. "Everyone hates you."

All-encompassing doomsday statements are an immediate tip off that the hater is at work in your mind. These lies are not the truth of your life. The reality is:

1. You have succeeded at many, many things throughout the course of your life in small and big ways. Make a list if you have to.

2. You may have failed at times, but you learned from those failures and are still trying, (which is commendable by the way. Good for you for getting back up again!)

3. Yes, you may have people who do not care for you but does that even matter. You also have people, pets, or plants in your life who love and value you. There are very few people who EVERYONE hates and you are not one of them.

Once you've recognized this melodrama, you can start to reframe those negative thoughts and create new voices in your head, (which is a good thing in this case). Instead of thinking "I'm so stupid," try "Well, that didn't go as planned. I'll just keep trying." Or instead of "I'll never find love," think "There are literally billions of people in the world - my soulmate is out there somewhere, probably stuck in traffic eating a bag of french fries right now."

Negative self-talk tends to fall into one of four categories:

1. Catastrophizing – You always expect the worst and constantly wait for the other shoe to drop.

2. Magnifying – You only focus on the bad or negative in every scenario and dismiss anything good or positive.

3. Personalizing – You blame yourself when things go wrong and take responsibility for people, events, or outcomes that have nothing to do with you.

4. Polarizing – You see things only as good or bad, no gray areas or room for middle ground, (think Katy Perry, "Hot N Cold").

You might identify with only one of these categories or multiple. The point is, you are in total control of the direction of your thoughts and can choose their destination...but we will cover that a little later.

4. You Got a Friend in You

Another way to overcome negative self-talk is to imagine what your inner voice would say to a good friend if they were in your situation. Chances are, (unless you are a complete pyschopath), you wouldn't tell your bestie that they're a failure because they dropped their pizza on the floor. So why do it to yourself? You would laugh off the accident, grab them another slice of "za", and let the dog clean up the mess.

If your child didn't get a job they hoped for, you would reassure them and encourage them to try another opportunity somewhere else. Odds are you wouldn't tell them they were a stupid failure who should stop trying to better themselves. My hope is, I am speaking to decent human beings here, not Joan Crawford from "Mommy Dearest" - No wire hangers!

Being a friend to yourself immediately changes the tone and content of the messages in your mind. If you have to, use your own name to begin this perspective shift. For instance, say to yourself, "Ok, Self/Your Name, you are smart and capable. Self/Your Name, This is just an unfamiliar task that takes some practice to learn. Self/Your Name, Lets try again."

I recommend doing this quietly or inside your mind to avoid unwanted attention from your family or co-workers. Muttering to yourself is still sort of taboo in most cultures.

5. You are the Boss of You

It may not feel like it sometimes, but you are in complete control of your thought process. You have creative power at the tip of your tongue every moment of every day. You can actually speak your way into a different state of mind and that kind of power is pretty cool.

But, with great power comes great responsibility, (Yup...Spiderman). You also have the ability to speak your way into sadness, doubt, and fear. You can be your own hype person, or your own tormentor. The choice is completely yours to make.

There is no angel/demon sitting on your shoulder. There is just you, in your head, choosing either a positive or negative way of thinking about any given situation. So choose light over darkness. Because you can.

6. If You Had a Hammer...Wait, You Do!

Think of your words as a claw hammer in your hands. This type of hammer is a very interesting tool in that, it can be used to build up or to tear down. All you have to do is flip it around. So it is with your words. Flip them and build up your courage, strength and self-esteem.

It may feel awkward or inauthentic at first, especially if you have been a negative Nate, Nancy, or Nichodemus, your entire life, but in time building yourself up can become second nature. With practice you will realize that the hurtful self-talk is what begins to feel awkward and inauthentic. Your outlook on yourself, (and all of life), will begin to take on a brighter hue and even the challenges of life will be easier to bear because you are different and more positive.

In whatever way you begin this transition to positivity, the key is to simply begin. It will take practice and you want to avoid adding this to the list of "failures" that silly little voice can use against you. Above all, love yourself and be kind to you beacause,

You are the only YOU you have.