When you lose someone you love, everything around you reminds you of them.
Remnants of the person you knew are scattered throughout your physical and emotional life, causing you to remember the grief and relive the pain again and again.
If the loved one you lost is still living, but dementia, injury, or other life circumstances have changed them, then each day can be even more painful and confusing. The person you once cared for is gone and you have to interact with someone who may look the same, but is now completely different.
In either case, there is a person-sized hole left behind by someone you loved.
Your life, as you knew it, is forever changed.
How do you manage the complex negative emotions surrounding this new reality?
Where do you begin the healing process and how will you ever move on?
What do you do now?
In part 2 of this series we will look at practical steps you can take to walk out of grief and go on living with the hole left behind by your loss.
Please understand, there is no magic pill or secret recipe for grief recovery. There is also no set time period for when your sorrow should end. Everyone grieves in different ways and there can never be a “one size fits all” method for learning to live with the absence of the person you cared for.
With that in mind, there are some things to consider and small steps you can take right now to start your journey towards wellness.
Give Yourself Time
Many counselors, ministers, and caring friends may tell you to take 6 months to a year to work through your grief. But is this fair to ask of you? Can anyone put an actual time period on suffering?
There are many considerations when it comes to the length of time you may need to recover:
Who was the person you lost? Was it a close friend, or a lifelong partner? Was it a distant cousin or a parent? Were you extremely connected to the person or not? These circumstances play a key role in determining the depth of your sadness.
How were they taken out of your life? Did they suffer a lengthy deterioration because of sickness, or were they taken unexpectedly? Did your person die naturally or were they the victim of a violent crime or suicide? The answer to these questions can reduce or extend the time it takes to process your pain.
Is this person still living but changed somehow? This type of grief can go on for years and decades depending on the situation. Alzheimer’s, dementia, brain injuries, or other physical trauma like paralysis or debilitating illness can create an ongoing cycle of grief that is extremely difficult to break.
Regardless of the situation you are facing, it is imperative that you allow yourself the space and time to manage the suffering you feel. You cannot rush your process and should never feel as if you should be “over it”.
Your grief process is yours alone. It is very personal and unique to you.
Be Kind to Yourself
Whatever you feel right now is what you feel, and that’s ok. You have every right to be angry, sad, overwhelmed, or even relieved. There is no “right” way to react to loss. The unique circumstances of your life with this person and their role in your world will dictate your emotional ride as you process your pain.
The Five Stages of Grief are:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
You will move in and out of these stages at different periods of time and in different ways. Allow yourself to do this because, for your heart and soul, this process is the equivalent of your body mending a physical injury.
Do not berate yourself for not being farther along in your recovery,
or shame yourself for moving forward more quickly.
Grieving is relative and cannot be defined or controlled.
Face the Reality
Your life has forever changed. Your loved one, as you knew them, is no longer here. That cold, hard truth takes time to set in. When it does, it may hit you like a ton of bricks. During this time, you will be extremely vulnerable emotionally.
Reach out for help if you need it. Talk to someone you trust. Do not try to “tough it out” but allow others to help you stand when necessary. Remember, asking for help is a strength, not a weakness.
Stay aware of your mental state
If you experience symptoms of severe depression, or if you have
thoughts of self-harm, (or causing harm to others), seek immediate
professional help to work through these potentially dangerous feelings.
You can, and will, get through this.
Take Small Steps
When someone leaves a hole in your life, there is a tendency to want to keep everything exactly as it was when they were with you. You may even wish for life to go back to the way it was before and do everything you can to avoid change.
If you are not careful, your life or home can become a shrine allowing survivor’s guilt to set in. This can make you feel that disturbing their things, or removing painful reminders equals erasing them. Nothing could be farther from the truth.
In reality, whatever possessions you remove, sell, or discard, will not take the memory of them from your heart. Your loved one was not those material items. Physical things did not define that person and you are not obligated to hold on to them. Instead, cherish the good memories of your loved one and what that person meant to you. Remember the love you shared and the experiences you enjoyed together.
There is nothing wrong with having keepsakes to remind you of your person.
Make a blanket out of some of their shirts.
Keep heirlooms or jewelry they cherished.
Store pictures of your person.
But do not feel guilty for clearing out the things you don’t want or need. This “clearing out” process is necessary for your healing. Each action you take is moving you in the right direction..
As you slowly begin making new space in your life, you are taking small steps forward to wellness. Regardless of what items you choose to do away with or keep, you will carry the memory of the person in your heart for the rest of your days and that means so much more.
Give Yourself Permission to Recover
A huge step forward in the recovery process is being ready to move on. This does not mean that the person you loved is forgotten or no longer significant to you. What it does mean is that you are learning to accept your new reality and are choosing to go on living.
Your life does not end because someone is no longer in it.
The sadness and pain you are enduring is very real, but the moments of hurt and sadness should not define your entire existence. There is nothing wrong with letting go of the pain and picking up the pieces of your life. You are still here and have days in front of you to impact the world.
Keep in mind, the person who you lost would want you to go on living the life they cannot. If they could, they would tell you to move forward. If they were here, they would not want you to get lost in grief, but to live the best life you could.
A New Chapter
People we love sometimes leave our lives but what stays is how they forever changed us.
Losing someone we love can be one of the most difficult events we will ever face, but it is possible to survive. You may never fully get over the loss, but you will learn to get through it.
You will eventually find that you can live well and find peace in their absence.
If you allow it, all that you overcome can be a gift to the rest of the world. You are still living and your story has not been fully written yet. This chapter has simply come to a close.
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