When you lose someone, it's the little things you miss the most.
The quick phone call to share a thought or experience. The sound of their voice. The moments spent together. The unique way you felt when you were with them. Their laughter. Their smile. Their touch.
If you lived with this person, then you are missing the greeting when you open the door. The sound of them moving pans and plates in the kitchen. The way they would hum their favorite song out of tune. Kissing them goodnight. Waking up next to them each morning, and so much more.
Then there are the physical things. The empty chair. The clothes left hanging in the closet. The toothbrush, hairbrush, and comb sitting on the bathroom counter. The razor in the shower. Their favorite coffee mug.
There are so many items left behind that will never be used again by the one you loved.
Maybe the loved one you lost is still living, but dementia, injury, or other life circumstances have changed their personality, memory, or physical body. In these instances, the emptiness can be even more painful and confusing. You find yourself looking at a familiar face, but a stranger is living inside them. The person you once knew is gone, and the hole remains.
Everything around you reminds you of them. Sights. Sounds. Smells. Music. Movies. Even snippets of passing conversation squeeze the wound in your heart causing fresh pain to pour into your soul. If left unchecked, this level of grief can smother you and choke the joy from your life.
The space once occupied by a loved one because of death, illness, injury, divorce, or estrangement can feel like a crushing weight upon your existence that makes it impossible to breathe. The continual heart-breaking silence can seem louder than anything else in your life leaving you feeling lost, confused, and abandoned.
You feel like no one understands what you are going through. Your pain is so personal and so deep that you cannot communicate it. Even if you could, would it matter? Nothing can bring back the one you love.
Well-meaning friends and family reach out to comfort you, but can actually make things worse by asking the dreaded questions, “How are you?” or “Are you OK?” You are sad. You are frustrated. You are exhausted. You are heartbroken. You are lost. You are angry at God or the entire universe for the agony and emptiness inside of you that seems to never end. You are not OK! You wonder if you will ever be again.
Worst of all, you are constantly plagued by two simple words that bore through your heart and mind with their relentless chant, “Now What?”. How do you move on and find happiness again with this person sized hole in your day to day routine? Can you ever move on at all?
The simple answer should be, “Yes”. But the truth is going forward in life without your loved one is not simple, quick, or easy. This is not meant to discourage you, but to help create the realistic expectation that facing the hole left behind by the loss of someone you love takes time, effort, and compassion.
Look at time.
You may have heard the adage, “Time heals all wounds”, but this may not be the case for you. In fact, things may get worse before they get better. When you are physically injured the initial shock numbs the pain which often sets in much later. This is sometimes the case with emotional pain as well. Days, months, or even years later when the realization of the loss sets in, you may experience very intense feelings of acute grief. Listlessness, extreme sadness, lack of pleasure in life, anger, nightmares, and insomnia may all surface long after the initial event.
Keep in mind, time can move very slowly when you are in pain.
Minutes can feel like hours. Hours like days. Days like years. Trauma and loss are timeless.
You may relive your last moments with your loved one over and over again (the last words, the last hug, the last hold of the hand, the last kiss). If the person was suddenly taken from you, then you may repeatedly wish you had, (or hadn’t), said or done something differently that day.
If your loss involves divorce or estrangement, you may berate yourself with “what if” or “If only” questions that cause you to fantasize about a different outcome that doesn’t leave you alone and hurting. The years invested and the love you gave can feel wasted in the face of such heartache. The feelings surrounding this type of loss are the same regardless of the circumstances.
In these cases, time alone will not magically “heal” you. Just because a wound is healed does not mean it leaves no evidence behind. Over time, what is left inside your heart and emotions may be as small as a scar or as debilitating as a massive disfigurement. Healing does not mean you are “over it”, but it means you have learned to go on living despite the emotional injury.
Do your best to live in the moment and not ruminate on what happened or what could have been. Remember that your grieving experience is specific and unique to you. No one can tell you how to grieve or create a timeline for your recovery.
As painful as it may be, try to embrace the finality of the loss. Your reality is forever changed and nothing you do or say can reverse time and restore that relationship as it was. Focus on today and strive to be present in the here and now because that is the path to healing.
Minutes will become days. Days will become months. Months will become years. With one small step at a time, you will walk into a new reality. You can survive this loss and life can get better, but it will not be the same.
Life will never be the same. But it can still be good.
In part 2 of this blog we will look at practical steps you can take to walk out of grief and
dealing with the hole left behind.
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