A personal reflection by Terry Atkins
Losing a child is one of a parent's worst fears. The pain associated with this kind of heartbreak is unimaginable. But what about when that loss is intentional on the part of the child? What happens to the heart and soul of a parent who has to watch their relationship with their child die right in front of them, knowing there is nothing more they can do?
Before I go further, please understand that my first marriage of 29 years ended in a divorce of my choosing. The relationship with my ex-wife was rife with difficulties and mistakes on both sides which led us to end it. I was not my best self and neither was she.
Despite my shortcomings as a husband, I consider myself to have been a loving father to my four kids. I was there for my children supporting every event and encouraging them through every life choice. I embraced the people they fell in and out of love with. I was available whenever there was a need in their lives and willingly gave what I could to help. As an ordained minister, I even officiated the marriages of three of my kids to their significant others. I often expressed my love and did my best to build them up and prepare them for the world ahead.
I share all of this, not to defend myself, but to better paint a picture of what I was not. I was not an alcoholic who raged and abused my children. I was not a distant self-driven man with no time for them. In fact, as I look back on my time with them, I have many good and happy memories that fill my heart. Was I a perfect father? By no means. But I was there for them through the good, the bad, and everything in between.
So how did relationships built on love and support become so volatile and distant that there has been no communication for years on end? It is impossible to explain in a simple article, but I will try to provide some context.
What Went Wrong?
Prior to filing for divorce and moving away from my ex and 4 adult children, I remember sitting down with each of my kids and asking them to support their mother once I was gone. I was heartbroken about ending the marriage and wanted her to be ok. I did not want to lose touch with the family and hoped we could find a way to stay supportive.
Once I moved away and settled into my new apartment, I reached out to my children and grandchildren often, doing my best to stay connected with them throughout the divorce process. I filed for divorce and settled everything without court intervention. On my own, I ensured that the mother of my children lacked nothing physically or financially. We both admitted the relationship was better off ending and I was glad that I waited for my kids to have kids of their own before making this difficult choice.
After my separation, I reconnected with Denise, a high school friend whose husband died of cancer around the same time. We fell in love, married, and I am the happiest I have ever been. My ex-wife found a new love interest of her own and appeared to have moved on as well. Everything should have been wonderful, but little did I know there was a quiet smear campaign about to be launched that would destroy a great deal of my world in the months to come.
What is Parental Alienation?
Parental alienation is a weaponization strategy whereby one parent intentionally displays to the child unjustified negativity aimed at the other parent. The purpose of this strategy is to damage the child's relationship with the other parent and to turn the child's emotions against that other parent.
Webmd.com mentions that 3 signs of Parental Alienation are:
1. Unjust Criticism
No parent is perfect, some may even lose their tempers or yell at their children. Likewise, all children get mad at their parents at times and have disagreements. Children with parental alienation, however, will criticize the target parent severely and without cause. They rarely or never have anything good to say about them. If they do enjoy time with the target parent, they may keep it from their other parent for fear of losing favor with them.
2. Unwavering Support for the Alienating Parent
As much as they criticize the target parent, the child will staunchly defend their other parent. They have extreme “black and white” thinking. Nothing done by the alienated parent is good, and nothing the favored parent does is bad. They will deny that the alienating parent has influenced them and claim their feelings are all their own.
3. No Feelings of Guilt
While most children who get mad and say hurtful things to their parents will feel sorry and apologize later, children with parental alienation feel no guilt about their mistreatment of the alienated parent. They feel justified in their hatred and may even extend it to include the entire family. Their criticism and harshness may include siblings and family friends as well.
The Quiet Attack
Once my relationship with Denise became public, I began hearing stories from friends and family of things being discussed behind my back. Whenever my name was brought up there was a private family joke, "Terry, who?", that surfaced. Details of our divorce arrangement were spread. My new wife was ridiculed and mocked by the family. Most hurtful of all, my former wife's happiness was celebrated, but my happiness was labeled as abandonment. Eventually 3 of my 4 children and their families began drifting away from me.
False narratives concerning the reasons for my divorce were created and circulated within the family. I was never asked anything about the rumors which seemed to be accepted by them all as unquestioned truth. I was demonized for what I did not do to "show love" yet ridiculed for whatever I tried to do. Before I knew it, the distance between me and the people I loved began to grow so quickly that I was thunderstruck.
For the next 4 years, I attempted, in vain, to have these difficult conversations with my adult children. Time after time I heard the same practiced speeches and similar catch phrases from each of them. My character was being discussed and destroyed. All the loving actions I had ever done during their upbringing were being discarded and minimized. I was literally being erased from my grandchildren's lives and was never once given the opportunity to talk through these issues.
In the end, I lost touch with 3 of my 4 adult children, 2 daughter-in-laws who I deeply cared for, and grandchildren who I adored. To this day, none of them has made an effort to explain what atrocity I committed against them to erase the very memory of me from their world. I believe it is because they have no idea why.
Carrying the Pain of Rejection
It is impossible for me to describe the agony I endured during those four years of losing one child after another to the whispers, rumors, and accusations. I was silenced and rejected by the people I cared for the most, all the while being told that I rejected them.
The most hurtful part of their rejection is that I never walked away from them. My kids have made horrendous decisions involving relationships, jobs, finances, and even legal issues, but I stood with them through it all. To have them push me aside so easily was soul crushing. But I knew that I had to find a way to survive this. I was not going to go quietly into the night. I deserved more and was not an old shirt to be tossed aside and simply forgotten.
"I was not going to go quietly into the night."
My Road to Wellness
I wrestled with this situation for quite a while due to my faith and the love I have in my heart for my children. I expended a great deal of energy and emotion trying to explain my choices and convince my kids to open their hearts to my current life. In the end, I was repeatedly left hurt, broken, and wounded because I had ultimately linked the power for my happiness to the opinions of my children.
I began to fight for my own survival. I read through many books on narcissistic behavior, family dynamics, abandonment, and estrangement and spent over 6 months in counseling which helped tremendously. The publications that helped me the most were, "Healing from a Narcissistic Relationship", by Margali Fjeistad; "Healing from Hidden Abuse" by Shannon Thomas; and "Done With The Crying" by Sheri McGregor.
I still have moments of frustration and anger towards the children who have turned their backs on me, but these moments are becoming less and less. I admit that, in my shock and despair, I have said and done things that were not the most constructive while dealing with this pain, but I always stepped up, apologized, and asked forgiveness when I could. In the end, I have no doubt that I showed patience, grace, and love to all of my children despite their behavior.
I finally accepted that I have no control over what they choose to believe or do.
It has taken me a lot of time, prayer, tears, and soul searching to finally begin releasing my adult children to their choices. Now, Denise and I extend our energy, effort, and support to those people who want to be a part of our lives. Those who have expressed disapproval, or outright disregard for us, have become less of a focus. It sounds cruel in a way, but I had to allow these people to shut the door to our relationships and finally stopped begging them back.
What I Have Learned Thankfully, my oldest daughter and her family are still a part of my life, as is my stepson and his wife. Because of their love, Denise and I are not left utterly childless, which is a relief and a blessing. I have love, support and hope despite the losses. I have learned that:
My life did not end, just because someone left it.
I am sharing all of this in an attempt to encourage other alienated parents to work towards accepting how things ARE with your estranged children and not longing for how you WISH things were. I will admit, this is very hard to do. I still battle feelings of being a bad father, or worse a bad PERSON, for not chasing after their love. Ultimately, I am realizing that the choice they made to walk out of my life was theirs alone.
There are life experiences for my estranged adult children that I will not be a part of. Their choice to walk away means there are grandchildren I will lose touch with and may never know. But it also means they have chosen not to benefit from the love and care I could offer. They have chosen not to share in MY victories and "best days". Worst of all, they have chosen not to benefit from the great deal of care Denise and I could offer them.
There is loss on every side, but I also see what I have gained. I am stronger because of this struggle and have learned that family has little to do with genealogy, and everything to do with love.
I am blessed beyond measure and, in the end, my heart's door is unlocked concerning my estranged adult children. If they ever choose to knock I may let them in to talk through the hurt. I have forgiven them for my heart's sake, but am not sure if reconciliation can ever be fully realized. I have accepted that I have no control over their feelings or decisions.
I am embracing a life without them and living it to the fullest. I have to do this. I cannot spend my days wishing for their return. I have a life to live and deserve to make the most out of my time left in this world.
Perhaps, they will return to me one day, or I can build a new relationship with my grandchildren once they are old enough to ask the tough questions. In the meantime, my focus is on those people in my life who want to walk with me, not those who walked away.
***If you or a loved one are dealing with Parental Alienation, the following articles and support resources may help:
17 Signs of Parental Alienation - Parenting for Brian
Parental Alienation - Psychology Today
Signs of Parental Alienation - WebMD
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