The memorial service is over. The well-wishers have come and gone. The house is silent and you are alone. You feel sad, overwhelmed, exhausted, and afraid. The idea of moving forward from this suffering seems like an impossibility at the moment. Your soul is weary and all you want to do is hide away from the world.
When you are grieving, there are many justifications for disengaging and withdrawing socially and emotionally:
You feel like you can’t focus on anything besides your loss/grief.
You have little energy and dealing with the aftermath of the loss drains you.
Things you once enjoyed seem meaningless or unimportant now.
You feel anxious about seeing people and their reactions/interactions.
You are afraid of grief triggers.
Becoming emotional in front of others frightens you.
You no longer feel capable and competent.
The world does not feel safe.
Some activities painfully remind you of your loved one.
Engaging in fun activities feels like a betrayal of the person you lost.
While it is perfectly normal to allow your day-to-day routine to fall by the wayside during times of hardship, stay mindful of how much of your life is being affected and for how long.
There is a very fine line between temporarily disengaging
and long-term social and/or emotional withdrawal.
Disengaging from previously enjoyable activities for an extended length of time can contribute to depression.
The Society of Clinical Psychology mentions that,
“When people get depressed, they may increasingly disengage from their routines and withdraw from their environment. Over time, this avoidance exacerbates depressed mood, as individuals lose opportunities to be positively reinforced through pleasant experiences, social activity, or experiences of mastery.”
Depression and grief can both cause you to retreat from life and distance yourself from sources of support, coping, and positive emotion. Whereas grief is usually a short-term process that eventually makes you feel better, depression will ultimately make you feel worse over time.
There is a process that has proven effective in battling depression called, “behavioral activation”.
Behavioral Activation means increasing your engagement with activities that provide social support, positive feelings, and confidence. In essence, the more you engage with life, the more opportunity you will have to process your emotions and change your perspective concerning your loss.
This may sound overwhelming, but is not simply “going back to normal”. This approach includes actively choosing small and deliberate activities that will gradually bring your life back into focus.
Some outlets like music, journaling, exercise, or art will help you directly process your grief-related emotions and feelings. Other actions like meeting with friends, going out to a movie, or visiting your place of worship will help you stay connected and feel alive again.
Taking small steps each day will eventually lead you farther down the road of recovery
Begin by Looking Inside Yourself:
Make an honest assessment of your current state of mind by asking yourself:
Is your time filled with doing nothing, (withdrawal), or doing way too much (distraction)?
How much of your daily thoughts center around worries, anxieties, and avoidance?
What have you stopped doing and why?
Are you engaged in activities that help you care for yourself or directly cope with your grief?
Are you engaging in destructive or harmful activities that may have long-term consequences?
Based on the answers to these questions, here are some practical steps you can take.
Make a Realistic Plan.
Hobbies, exercising, cooking, music and other creative or health focused activities have inherent value. Although they may not feel pleasurable or necessary at this very moment, engaging in them, even in a limited fashion, helps to remind you that all is not lost. Despite the fact that some of these activities force you to confront difficult emotions, you should still schedule and participate in them. The amazing thing is that, once you overcome the initial fears and anxieties – whatever they may be – you should quickly find that these activities are beneficial to you again.
Do not try to overdo it. Constantly monitor your emotions, thoughts, and feelings. Be kind to yourself and set realistic goals as you progress. Trying to do too much too fast may create negative feelings like exhaustion or failure. Remember, the goal here is to gradually walk out of grief in a healthy way, not to create more anxiety or stress.
As the saying goes, “Every great journey begins with a single step”.
Ask for Help.
It may be helpful to reach out to close friends or family to assist you while you are in the process of re-engaging. Ask someone to do the activity with you, or at least ask them to follow up with you to make sure you did it. If you have a counselor or are part of a support group, share your plans and review your successes the next time you meet.
Be Prepared for the Struggle.
Do not be discouraged. This will not be easy, but it will be worthwhile.
None of us likes to experience difficulty or discomfort. After someone dies, some of our most fulfilling experiences often bring with them the pain of longing. Coping with grief requires that we tolerate and work through our painful emotions and not try to avoid them.
Prepare to feel frustrated at times and to doubt yourself as you press forward. This is completely normal as you are sorting through all sorts of emotions. Allow your feelings to sort themselves out, but do your best to not let them linger in a negative space for too long. Emotional injuries, like physical ones, do not simply heal.
Physical therapy can be excruciating, but is vital to bringing an injured body part back to health. Keep this in mind as you work to heal the emotional injury of loss. The short-term pain will be worth it in the end.
Celebrate Your Victories.
What did you accomplish today?
Did you make the bed this morning?
Did you complete a crossword puzzle?
Did you make a trip to the grocery store?
Did you make a delicious lunch from scratch?
Did you cut the grass?
While potentially seen as insignificant, these small steps are life changing when it comes to overcoming grief. Every life action you take helps to restore your confidence and remind you that you are still capable and productive.
There is no secret recipe for finding your way back to wholeness after the death of someone you cared for deeply, but these steps can assist with regaining your footing and taking control of your recovery. Remember to be kind to yourself and take time to navigate your emotions.
Like you, many people have faced the struggle of losing a loved one and came out stronger after the fight. Be encouraged. You will be stronger too.
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